More on the exploration of the relationship between our circumstances, our paradigm, and our choice to lie – is this—a bad circumstance/paradigm/expectation—why some people cheat on their partners?
PLEASE REMEMBER: I said SOME people. Not all. Some people. Keep that in mind. I’m not trying to be overly reductive.
I have been cheated on. It sucked.
It was a long, long time ago. At the time, I was Mormon. I got married as a 19 year old, to a young man 21 or 22. (I can’t quite remember). Why? Why did we get married? Because that’s what faithful Mormons do.
The truth is (and I know this now, but didn’t then), we never should have gotten married.
After leaving Mormonism, I can see how the expectations of that environment, that religion, a supposed “God” with a supposed set of laws, and even the culture (we were living in Utah), created this lying/betrayal/cheater soup.
The fact is, my ex was probably genetically (or culturally, it’s a complex system, we know) programmed to be polyamorous. I was not. And thank God, I got divorced and then later found a partner that I’ve been with for years that is a lot like me – happily monogamous.
I wonder if in another environment, one where my was allowed to be who he was, I wonder if he would have had the flexibility to be honest with himself and others – meaning, if he would have known he wasn’t monogamous, but polyamorous, and he wouldn’t have tried to fit into such a rigid definition of what was right, wrong, and expected of him.
Who the hell knows.
I have two beautiful children, so I won’t change anything. But I am willing to evaluate the whole experience, deeply. Instead of point fingers, I’m willing to wonder if the environment made it almost impossible for him to do anything other than what he did?
I’m willing to wonder if this extends to other circumstances.
Another Example
I also know another example of a husband/wife combo where the one of them cheated, breaking up the marriage.
They were such a bad match, they were so unhealthy, and I think that the partner who cheated might have subconsciously sabotaged it because wouldn’t it actually be far more unkind to say to the other partner, It turns out you’re batshit crazy, and I cannot stand you, so I want a divorce. Instead, the easy thing to do is to just be the “bad-guy/gal”, have an affair, and get out of the insane, toxic, and impossible situation.
Again, this couple was Mormon, so divorce was NOT really supposed to be an option. They were married in the temple. They had prayed, and received a witness to be married. And marriages are forever. You just have to endure that shit. (Which is hilarious – you endure that shit to have AN ETERNAL CLUSTERFUCK OF A MARRIAGE).
So, again, we can see how this creates betrayal/dishonesty soup. Because if you look at that situation honestly, then you come away with this: God was wrong when he said we should get married. I’m willing to end this “eternal marriage” with you because the idea of us together for eternity sounds more like Hell than Heaven.” … Not only is that painful, but it is also jeopardizing God, which is an even bigger problem!
Anyway.
So, what if you can’t endure it? What if you’re about to go crazy, like actually insane? Well, maybe you would turn destructive? As a way to cope/survive?
So…maybe, maybe there are times we lie because the environment is so bad that lying is the best, safest, and even the seemingly least painless option?
I don’t think that the people who cheat in these situations ever seem to do it on purpose. It seems like in these situations, one thing happens after another. The marriage deteriorates. The trust, it turns out, was gone LONG before the affair. But we have a hard time seeing that because we just want to point to a bad guy, rather than look at a foundational or environmental cause.
Of course, the lies are never a great solution. Divorce fucking sucks. Being lied to fucking sucks.
Perhaps The best solution, for our mental health, for the health of our relationships and society, is to embrace radical honesty. More about that later.